It’s hard for anyone to accept change – in any shape or form.
Good or bad.
Change in relationship status.
Change in career.
Change in living arrangements.
Change in appearance.
Change in personality.
That last one is a tough one. It’s where I’m sitting currently and is something my husband woke me up to today on our run while I vented about Kick and the piece I’m still struggling with: letting go, stepping outside of “me” and embodying the Kick instructor that I’m meant to be, that I need to be in order to not only pass the looming BTS video assessment/certification but to be a full-fledged instructor at my gym.
A snippet from our convo during this afternoon’s run (which was amazing btw, a little over 5 miles in gorgeous quasi-spring new england temps):
Me: I don’t know how to let go.
Scott: Just stop thinking.
Me: I don’t know how to stop thinking, I can’t do it.
Scott: You need to let go, and letting go means not thinking.
Me: But how do I do that??
Scott: You have to change who you are, stop letting Type-A take over and just go.
Me: (insert frustrated grumbling here)
Scott: You always come to class prepared, you know the routine, you know the moves. You have that going for you. You need to push that aside, because you got it, stop thinking about it, and just motivate and have fun.
Me: It’s so easy for me to just revert to status quo, and for me, that means not stepping outside the “safe” box and being someone I’m afraid to be, because I don’t know how to be someone else. “Kimmie” said I don’t need to change who I am, just be a slightly enhanced version of myself. But how?
Scott: Right. That’s it. You have to be uncomfortable until you can embrace that change in who you are, it’s in there, just let it out. Let yourself be great.
Wow. This was EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. I was so frustrated after Kick practice today because I know that the one piece that will fail me is the cueing/motivating. I am struggling with it badly. But why? Why am I struggling to, of all things, motivate? THIS is why I took the leap with Kick – to motivate others to live a healthy, balanced, LIVELY life.
So, if I can keep that in mind, that I am fulfilling a dream, something not many people get the opportunity to do in life, then I should be the most enthusiastic, excited and awesome instructor there is, right?
In theory, yes. In reality, my former shy self is holding me back. It’s like this little mini-me on my shoulder whispering in my ear, “it’s ok, just get through it” versus the motivated and inspirational mini-me I NEED screaming in my ear “DO THIS, YELL, GET EXCITED!!”
I’ve got to squash that shy mini-me, it’s not who I am. I’m better than that. Much better, in fact. Until I can squash her for good, I’m going to have to do what Scott said, fake it, act, step outside of “me” until the new and improved “me” emerges for real and it no longer feels unnatural. I need to let myself be great. Has a nice ring to it, no?
The real test is looming – Thursday is the next class I’ll be teaching and I’ll be damned, shy-me better stay in bed that morning, or else!
Because of Rich’s, I got to bed at 2a and woke up at 730a. That’s only 5.5 hrs… NOT enough.
My first appointment was at 9am, so I got to the office early today…and he was a NO SHOW! Can you believe that?
I did my eyebrows and everything!
However, I did not lose the lesson in the moment. Even though I was embarrassed in front of Jim (if you don’t know who Jim is, you’ve got some catching up to do), he asked me about my Cancellation Policy!
What cancellation policy? I don’t have one….until an hour later when my next client walked in and signed my newly written cancellation policy!
See Jayson? You’re learning!
My 2nd appointment was from Top of the Park, and he is a very nice guy. He seemed to LOVE his massage, and he’s coming back in 2 weeks….gotta keep my clients, gotta keep my clients, gotta keep my clients….
I had some clerical trouble with printing and processing his credit card and all, but I finally worked my way through it all.
I still have a workout coming up later in the day…my last workout of Level One. Mr. Trainer is going to “rock my world” with all new stuff on Monday! Ahh! I’m scared!
I look at the crazy things some of these guys do to themselves in the gym…rolling pushups on giant barbells…Serpentine pushup sequences….Scary stuff!
I think I said it in the last blog, but I am SO excited for Monday’s “Weigh In!” I know I started out the week a little rough by pouting over my small weight loss and overeating, but I’ve taken responsibility, corrected my mistake, and worked REALLY hard!
And I can feel my body changing really fast! Woo hoo! Dare I hope for a decent number this week?
As for the jog, I went over to Balboa Park and ran the new trail again! It was a very scenic hour of sweating, and just when I thought I saw all of trail #5, I discovered an entirely new branch that goes off into the distance…I’ll be exploring that this coming week, I’m sure!
My right knee though….not happy with me. Hmm…
I originally wrote in my notes today that I was going to take a nap…somehow that never ended up happening. =(
But I did get my grocery shopping done! Billy took me to Costco, and I have enough vegetables to feed a neighborhood for at least a month.
I can NOT believe how much fruit and veggies I eat in a week! Everyone was looking at my cart and what I was buying, and then looking back at me…it was weird today.
Without making eye contact, I saw people doing a lot of head nodding as they sized me up in Costco. They obviously thought “Oh, he seems in shape…yup, he’s buying broccoli.” LOL
After 40 minutes of chopping my veggies and storing stuff, I had to stop and go to the gym. I have more chopping to do tomorrow, but it’s enough for one day.
My groceries completely dominate the bulk of the fridge…Hubby is not happy about that, per se, but he’s being very nice about it…thank you Hubby!
I threw some cottage cheese and blueberries in a bowl and went to work out!
The Gym: Awesome! 44 minutes of pure Hell, but I had that fire in my pants again. As Hubby says, “Oh, you’re one of THOSE guys, huh?”
Yup, I’m one of “those guys.”
Today I couldn’t help it…I counted out loud, yelled, grunted, and otherwise was a loud, obnoxious, dramatic freak!
But I DID it!
I did a REALLY good workout, and that’s what counts! It’s not easy to do the workout at night…most of my energy is all ready gone, and I didn’t even start out with any energy today!
Oh, and the V crunches (double pikes) were burning and sore…but I NEVER reached my max out! During the final reps I just held that airborne position for maybe 30 seconds…while staring amazed at my own body, mouth agape!
I kept waiting to cramp up, to max out, to collapse back to the ground, but my abs weren’t having any of it! They were like, “Godamn it! Fine! You insist on doing this move, then HERE! DO IT THEN!” eheheh….it was AWESOME!
The rest of the night was nice and relaxing. Just had dinner with Hubby and then came home to blog. And here’s the cool thing: I had dinner at Red Lobster!
Hubby wanted to have dinner “someplace nice”…as he says when he’s feeling neglected. And I expressed concerns about only having 297 calories left to eat, as well as not being able to eat smart in restaurants…afterall, I haven’t BEEN to a restaurant in nearly 6 weeks!
While showering, I was planning on doing all this work online just so I could figure out what I was going to eat…and when I came out Hubby had all ready solved it.
There’s this .99 cent iPhone app with all the calories for over 70 restaurants! Wow! Hubby totally just jumped in and helped solve a problem without being asked! Yea!!! Way to go Hubby!
It wasn’t the smoothest dinner planning ever, but it all worked out. I have to remember this was my first time using this application, and I’ll get faster in the future.
And with advanced notice, I’ll be able to preplan meals out and actually eat with Hubby once in a while!
My Dinner:
A small green salad (with lemon sprayed on top as my dressing…thanks for the suggesion, Waitress person)
A double portion of broccoli with Lemon and Old Bay seasoning…(Jayson has a new “flavor of the month!”)
And the flakiest, hottest, most delightfully lightly grilled Salmon steak I’ve ever had! I nearly died.
Of course, eating out is also MUCH more expensive…$16 for 400 calories? That’s 4 cents a calorie! Wow!
If I phrase it like that to Hubby, I’m sure we’ll never eat at a restaurant again!
I did go over todays calorie goal by about 100 calories, but it’s coming out of tomorrow’s calorie budget.
Oh, and tomorrow is my first day at the Spa, where people pay WAY more than I charge, for a shorter amount of time with me….whatever. It’ll be good to have a guaranteed busy day once a week for the next 12 months!
And besides the massages, I don’t have anything else planned. It’s my day OFF from all fitness! (So I don’t need as many calories anyway)
Well, that’s it ya’ll. I love you and thank you profoundly for your support/half-hearted amusement, or any other attention you feel like throwing my direction.
I know I talk about a lot of random, personal, gay stuff….but that’s my life. And the ONLY way for me to not slide face first into a bathtub full of “Fudge Rounds” is to “talk out” everything!
I didn’t used to overeat because I was dum, I overate because I was lonely and felt that no one heard me.
I had no voice, and no hope that people would listen if I did speak…and I’ve finally outgrown that, and I’m growing up. =)
HOW MANY CALORIES DO YOU NEED TO LOSE AND MAINTAIN YOUR WEIGHT
This NHS tool allows you to work out what calories your body needs based on your current weight, height, sex, age and level of activity. This helps you to calculate what your calorie intake should be while you are losing weight and understand what you need to continue to eat to prevent putting the weight back on.
This week has been a little disappointing because I’ve been struggling to get over a minor cold and I was so busy at work. I was going to try to push through to finish by Saturday which would be 20 days but I may have to go into next week now.
Having said that I’ve not done badly this week. I went into the gym on Monday intending to just do 500 as recovering from that cold but somehow continued to 1000.Tuesday I got onto the mats and noticed someone had left double 8kg and double 12kg. So I had some doubles fun- after some internal debate I decided that each double was just one swing as it was one hip movement. I finished with straightforward 16kg swings- added another 500.
I had to have a day off on Wednesday due to work pressure. However I ended up doing 10 press ups because children in the boxing class bet me I couldn’t-posh headteacher dress and everything.
On Thursday I completed 700 swings- mostly with the 16kg. Friday I went to see an amazing Cuban dance company so no time to workout. At the last count that made 8200. I’m going to try for finishing on Sunday…
I cannot believe it, it’s still snowing!! But that didn’t stop us going to the gym My workout this morning included:
Platform Calf Raises 3×20
Leg Extensions 10# 2×14
Leg Curls 20# 2×14
H.S. Calf Raises 10# 2×16
Then, I went to the morning yoga class! My yoga instructor threw in some pilate core routines and that really challenged me (in a good way). Meanwhile, my husband faithfully worked out for 90 minutes by himself as usual. We drove home together after we’re all done, had our breakfast, and off to work!
I had some break time in the early afternoon, so I decided to go back to the gym for cardio workouts:
30 minute intervals on elliptical
30 minute intervals on bike
My quads started feeling sore and I experienced a sharp pain in my left ankle while I was on the bike. After I lowered the intensity, I felt ok and I was able to finish the workout. I probably should go easy on my legs tomorrow.
Some of you might know that I started this blog when I began a health and fitness program at my gym. At the beginning of it I complained about having to wake up at 5:30 a couple of days, having to work out 5 days a week and eating healthy foods. This is the last week of that program and I have to say it wasn’t as bad as I thought. Basically, all of the things that I spent time complaining about are the same things that make me feel great today! Last night I put on a pajama shirt that normally makes me look fat (ok, so it was a truthful shirt) and now it just hangs on me. I’ve done things I would not have done otherwise because of the program – today I actually ran a mile. Before the program if I were asked to take a walk outside I’d say – Really? where are we going exactly?.
So now that things have changed, now that I am a healthier slightly lighter person than when I began what do I do? The last weigh in for me is Thursday. There is no group accountability after that. The only one that will be with me when I “weigh in” is me and the scale. No prizes for being the biggest looser, no pats on the back, and now for a couple of weeks, I’ll be working out alone (well just not in a class). Will I let things slide? I really hope not … I can’t …. NO! I’ve come too far to just let things slide. Plus, I have some people who read this who really care. To let them down, my family, and me – that’s just to much to think of doing.
There are going to be some hard climbs coming up ahead soon. I’ll surely plateau which will totally suck. Loosing weight has been fairly easy so far so and that has made things fun. As soon as it gets hard I am really going to have to work on not giving up and just power through it.
After all the climbing, running, clawing my way through countless hours of working out, surviving sweaty, crave filled moments while driving by a starbucks, after dragging my sore body to bed only to wake up and do it all over again I’m not done. I haven’t finished the race. I’ve only reached the top of the first hill and this week I’m enjoying the view because next week I have to start up the mountain that’s ahead.
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My workout this morning included: